Small Pleasures

When I was first diagnosed with lupus, I started to become sad and angry at the things that I  could no longer do.  Activities that I used to enjoy were starting to become impossible to engage in --  dining out, vacationing, playing tennis, golfing, dancing, drinking, skiing -- all out of the question.

Things were taken away slowly, one by one, until I was completely bedridden and unable to do anything for months.  I mean, I could not do anything.

I hit a point where I was no longer sad about not being able to dine out but was absolutely devastated that I couldn't even sit up to eat my meals.  I no longer had the luxury of bemoaning the life I was losing, as I was too busy holding onto my life.

So as I start to progress towards some sort of recovery, I am reveling in small pleasures.  I am thankful that I can brush my own teeth, take a shower by myself, administer my own pills and as one friend pointed out, eat spicy food such as kimchi (pickled Korean cabbage) again.

It takes all my energy to achieve tasks that I used to take for granted when I was healthy.  It is also really difficult to keep the big thoughts at bay ("when will I be able to play tennis again. . . if ever. . .") but for now, I am trying to find fulfillment in the things in life that brings me small pleasures.