Thyroidectomy

"It's the best kind of cancer"

It seems that I won the lottery of cancers.  From doctors to friends, when told that I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, the response is that I'm lucky.  If I was going to have cancer, thyroid cancer is the best one to have. 

Hmmmm . . . the problem with this reasoning is that it's still cancer.  CANCER.

So as my surgery date for the total removal of my thyroid gland approaches, I have to muse about how I'm feeling. 

I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer back in April.  As my doctor notes, fortuitously so.  Because of my lupus, I have significant neuropathy issues.  My neurologist ordered a brain and spinal MRI which detected nodules in my thyroid and liver.  Since thyroid nodules are very common (about 50% of the population have them) and more importantly, 95% of them are benign, I did not give it much thought.  I had it biopsied and was just happy to get the unpleasant testing over with.  I did not expect a call from my ENT doctor, regrettably informing me that it is papillary carcinoma, that it is curable, that surgery should be scheduled, and that thyroid replacement pills will have to be taken for the rest of my life.

I listened but didn't really hear anything.  After I hung up, I cried.

While I shared my news with a few people, I stopped because I was getting responses that neither helped nor comforted me.

"Wow, is it serious?"
"Umm . . .  I guess not, it's just thyroid cancer (YES, IT'S SERIOUS, IT'S CANCER!)"

I then scheduled my surgery and for two months, tucked away my diagnosis as deep as I could and tried enjoying my pre-surgery days.  It worked, mainly because while the cancer is asymptomatic, my lupus is a minute-by-minute reminder that occupied most of my being.

Now with surgery three days aways, I cannot help but think about it.

So what do I think?

I am unnerved by the thought that an incision will be made on my throat.  How scary is that?  I try not to visualize this.

Then, I will have this scar on my neck for a very long time, if not forever.  This makes me so sad.  How do I mourn the death of my scarless neck?

Also, I'm scared.  What if something goes terribly wrong during surgery?  Should I have made a will? Make arrangements? That's silly, right?  Let's not go down that route.

After the surgery, I hope to be cancer free.  But despite the good prognosis, there is no guarantee.  Let's not think too far into the future.

With total thyroidectomy, I would need daily thyroid hormone treatment for the rest of my life.  This makes me so angry.  To manage this on top of lupus?  I will be mortally dependent on meds for the rest of my life.

I'm going to cry again.  I'm going to have to stop.  No more musing.