Envy

I did not understand envy.  It seemed like such a wasted feeling.  Why dwell on something one can never have?  And, if there is something within your grasp, why not spend your energy trying to get it, rather than pining for it?

Until lupus entered my life, I guess confidence always trumped envy.

I remember the very moment that I first felt envy.  My husband was driving me to my doctor's appointment in the city and we were stopped at a traffic light near Union Square.  I caught a glimpse of a woman on a street corner hailing a cab.  She was about my age, wet hair and dressed in business casual (tan skirt, blue button down skirt, and heels).  She was also carrying a toddler while folding a stroller to put into the trunk.  My guess was that she was dropping the toddler off in daycare or preschool on her way to work.  Sounds like a stressful morning for this mom.  So why was I envious?  She embodied everything I would have been, if it wasn't for this awful disease.

I too wish I was starting each morning, getting dressed for work, in clothes that are now stored in boxes.

I too wish I could walk, and walk in heels.

I too wish I could carry my baby.

I too wish I could fold a stroller.

I too wish I could do all this alone.

I too wish I was healthy.

As I looked on wistfully at this woman and her child from the rearview mirror, I felt such a feeling of envy that I did not know what to do.  I did not feel that I could ever be well enough to be that woman, that mom, the old me.  It felt so silly to be envious of "me"!  So silly that I had to stop thinking about it before the feeling turned to anger.