Holiday Blues

Could this be it?

I cannot seem to shake the holiday blues.  Usually, Christmas is my favorite time of the year.  Even before the Thanksgiving turkey has time to digest, I turn on the Christmas music and start dreaming of the fir tree that will grace our living room  (and of course, of all the lovely presents underneath).  Even last year, when I was delirious from high fever, and barely able to sit up, I still looked forward to Christmas morning.

This year, however, I just could not get my spirits up.  Despite the cheerful carols on the radio, sentimental trimmings on the tree, fun stuffed stockings, smell of our douglas fir tree,  "It's a Wonderful Life", the delicious baked ham, many gifts and happy family guests -- I just could not shake the holiday blues.  Now, just a day before 2013, my negative mood is really getting to me.  It nearly ruined Christmas and it shows no signs of abating.

Though I am sure it is not the only reason, I suspect the main reason for my low mood is due to lupus.

After nearly three years of being sick, almost one year of being devastatingly ill, I am still very sick.  I am starting to wonder if this is it.  Have I hit a plateau?  Is this how I am going to be feeling forever?  The possibility that this really could be it is bringing me down.  I cannot seem to talk myself out of this funk.  I have lost the one thing that lit my Christmas last year -- hope.

I am starting to lose hope very quickly.

I wake up every morning feeling like I have not slept at all.  It is incredibly difficult to get up from bed and start a daily routine.  This routine does not entail much.  Just getting enough energy to wash, take my medicine and try to hold some food down is enough of a challenge.  So it is easy to see how the holidays, which used to be so fun, is not so much fun anymore.  To add just one activity to the day, for example, hanging stockings, takes Herculean effort.  Then I am exhausted, must rest and take more meds.  I have no appetite and it is hard to digest food so eating dinner is a challenge.  But I have to for the meds unless I want to spend the night vomiting (though eating is no guarantee).  Then trying to fall asleep and stay asleep is another challenge.  I think of nothing else but lying down all day.

While meeting these daily challenges afforded me some small amount of happiness as my recovery progressed; it now frustrates me that this is all I can do to manage my day.  Whereas, before I was happy that I was able to walk, now I am frustrated that I cannot walk without pain, or walk very far without assistance and rest.

Perhaps I am being greedy and need to let recovery take its time but it has been so long.  And I cannot help but let thoughts that I might never be able to walk without pain or very far enter my head.  I want to be happy and want to live my life but like a web, lupus has me wrapped up and I am unable to move forward.  I feel like I cannot enjoy anything in my life since every day is a struggle.  Every night, I go to bed feeling like I have survived, rather than, lived the day.

In ringing in 2012 my husband said his new year's resolution is to "live life".  I loved this thought.  We made a promise that we will live life.  Despite our best efforts, 2012 was another tough year on the family.  As we ready ourselves to ring in the new year, I fear that I may never be able to live life again.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2013!